I had a "Giant Cavernous Aneurysm" behind my left eye. I went to Dallas for surgery and it was killed...however post op my eye is unresponsive. It is if I am looking out of a steamy shower door. Some days it is better than others. Please pray that my sight will be restored. God has been putting words on my heart that I feel I must put on paper. The following thoughts are those I feel that the Lord is speaking to me lately. Enjoy.

May 09, 2005

It’s All Fun And Games…

It’s all fun and games until someone gets their head cut open. Sure, it’s easy to step out of the boat when stepping out of the boat means getting your groin messed with. But, let’s get serious for a minute. Stepping out of the boat when the prognosis is slicing through your scalp, taking a router to my skull and cutting a window to my brain is something completely different. All of a sudden the comfort of my boat seems appealing.

I wrestle, I trust…I wrestle, I trust. It’s been a constant seesaw of emotions the past couple of days. Through a myriad of emotions, I find the gravity falling from beneath my board until it hits rock bottom. This is where I begin to wrestle. “O.K. God, the gloves are off. How much is enough? I have not had relief from a headache since this procedure concluded on Friday…and only a handful of days in the past 3 months. What do you want from me? I want so badly to have faith. I want so badly to trust, but the road is getting long. Help me, Lord.” Almost instantly, I feel the fluctuation of the board begin to pull me up. The Spirit gently nudges me towards dependence.

“God, I really do trust you. Forgive me for wondering where you were. With this new level of dependence, comes a new level of intimacy. I can hardly wait to see where our relationship will take us next. Draw me even closer to your heart, Father. Help me to trust you, even when my finite mind says that you no longer make sense.”

Life is much more pleasurable at the top of the seesaw. I find myself with a reliance that says that without the Lord I simply can’t make it. He is my fuel…my all. He is the reason why I take my next breath. My Creator knows me and loves me through my hardest moments. Up here I can honestly say that even when He stops making sense, I yield to His sovereignty….His will.

My prayer tonight is that He continues to renew my strength…an unwavering faith in His goodness. I pray that His Spirit reveals fresh ways to worship Him. I pray that when I extend my hand, the God who walks on water reaches out his nail-scarred hands and pulls me to safety…allowing me to once again, in faith walk with Him.

In my heart I discern that He never leaves me or forsakes me. My heart never stops loving my God. My head is the one that wrestles with the apprehension, fear and trepidation. My head is the one that questions why He would allow me to go through so much pain and uncertainty. I hate my head sometimes. I love my heart most of the time.

I pray to live at the top of the fulcrum. Trust is found here. Hope is found here. An unabashed love affair with my Father is found up here. It’s a good place to live.

4 Comments:

Blogger Chris Risen said...

Bart,

At the top of the fulcrum is indeed a good place to live. It is a place where I long to be. It is encouraging to hear how our Heavenly Father is drawing you nearer to Him. We've all heard the cliche, "Follow your heart." I hope that God will continue to use you to touch lives like mine because I've never known of anyone following their heart the way that you are- test after test, trial after trial. Like you, I, too, hate my head sometimes and love my heart most of the time.

Take care, and may God continue the blessing that He has made you to me and so many others.

10:39 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bart...If I could do anything to take it away...I would. I hurt for you through your pain. I could see the physical pain you were feeling in your eyes. I was able to see it during your stay in Texas. Be strong, little brother...you have an awesome family who need you so much. Praise God for a faithful, loving, caring wife like Suzi and for those three precious boys. I love you, Bartie. Love, Donna

8:23 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bart,
I believe Satan has asked to sift you like wheat (Luke 22:31).
Christ has been doing some baking with you, Bart. This aneurysm sieve has done some serious sifting. The wheat that has been falling out of the bottom has been baked in the form of some beautiful writing that is pointing people to their Savior, in the form of testimony that God truly does give peace beyond understanding, in the form of humility that can only come from true brokeness, in the form of an intimacy that satisfies your deepest needs. Like Joseph you can say to your enemy, "You have intened to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives," (Gen. 50:20).
Forever,
Suz

9:28 AM

 
Blogger Stephen Bailey said...

Bart,
Thanks for sharing your walk on this blog. I have trouble reading through the tears. They are tears of concern and sympathy and tears of laughter and the joy of the Lord that is deep within you even during the toughest of times. You are an inspiration, you are a sermon, you are a mighty man of God! I'm pleading for you along with so many others.
Stephen

1:04 PM

 

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