It’s All Fun And Games…

It’s all fun and games until someone gets their head cut open. Sure, it’s easy to step out of the boat when stepping out of the boat means getting your groin messed with. But, let’s get serious for a minute. Stepping out of the boat when the prognosis is slicing through your scalp, taking a router to my skull and cutting a window to my brain is something completely different. All of a sudden the comfort of my boat seems appealing.

I wrestle, I trust…I wrestle, I trust. It’s been a constant seesaw of emotions the past couple of days. Through a myriad of emotions, I find the gravity falling from beneath my board until it hits rock bottom. This is where I begin to wrestle. “O.K. God, the gloves are off. How much is enough? I have not had relief from a headache since this procedure concluded on Friday…and only a handful of days in the past 3 months. What do you want from me? I want so badly to have faith. I want so badly to trust, but the road is getting long. Help me, Lord.” Almost instantly, I feel the fluctuation of the board begin to pull me up. The Spirit gently nudges me towards dependence.

“God, I really do trust you. Forgive me for wondering where you were. With this new level of dependence, comes a new level of intimacy. I can hardly wait to see where our relationship will take us next. Draw me even closer to your heart, Father. Help me to trust you, even when my finite mind says that you no longer make sense.”

Life is much more pleasurable at the top of the seesaw. I find myself with a reliance that says that without the Lord I simply can’t make it. He is my fuel…my all. He is the reason why I take my next breath. My Creator knows me and loves me through my hardest moments. Up here I can honestly say that even when He stops making sense, I yield to His sovereignty….His will.

My prayer tonight is that He continues to renew my strength…an unwavering faith in His goodness. I pray that His Spirit reveals fresh ways to worship Him. I pray that when I extend my hand, the God who walks on water reaches out his nail-scarred hands and pulls me to safety…allowing me to once again, in faith walk with Him.

In my heart I discern that He never leaves me or forsakes me. My heart never stops loving my God. My head is the one that wrestles with the apprehension, fear and trepidation. My head is the one that questions why He would allow me to go through so much pain and uncertainty. I hate my head sometimes. I love my heart most of the time.

I pray to live at the top of the fulcrum. Trust is found here. Hope is found here. An unabashed love affair with my Father is found up here. It’s a good place to live.